Bittersweet

I'm supposed to be writing about something completely different here but my brother is talking over the phone with somebody and the topic is entirely personal and not my business, and all I am doing is to pretend that I am not hearing anything with my earphones on.

Argh.

Come on.

I just learned that somebody is STILL studying. Ha! I admire her. As of this afternoon, my brain cells were not that fast in processing whatever I was reading today. It was all in vain for me. Then Mama called with an invitation to Naga. Haha. So I said YES.
I was still feeling guilty on the ride there, since its just a few days to go before our Boards and I was there again not bent on my books until... Until we dropped by the publishing house for Mama to arrange with the invitations for the wedding. I was scanning through the scattered newspapers and magazines in the waiting area when I chanced on a magazine. And WA-LA! On the first page title: REJUVENATION. Hahaha.
It said that, we shouldn't be guilty in giving ourselves some off-time, a break in the routine. It was as if the heavens have heard my question of guilt. Ahahaha!
So now, I'm here, writing again, to you, GUILT-FREE. =) It's not because I'm too confident. Maybe it's because it's really no use to be stuck in my room forcing facts down to my axons and dendrites.

And besides, the trip to Naga was worth it. Truly, 100% worth IT. =))

While waiting for the invitation sample to be done, a text came in, saying there's a petition mass offered in San Francisco Church, offered for the November  board examinees, by those who passed the June board exam. Aaaawww. And ang nag text pa. ^^,

Hahahahaha.

Then I heard the Mass with Dee. Which was fun. :)

I was searching for Des, just to see if he attended. Dee might have noticed. Hehe. So we were silly again. Then we had to move a bit since the crowd was getting thicker. So we moved ahead. When I looked on my left side.. somebody was looking at me. Haha. And it didn't register that quick again just like that incident in the tric-waiting shed.

It was him. ^^,

Yeeeeeehhh...

*__*

Dee's smile was, gooodd. Hahaha. That's my sis. Haha.

Pero siya ang unang nakatingin. Ahahahaha.

Wala lng.

So just be glad that I'm writing about somebody else now. Not Mari. Not Offline. Ahahaha. Wala lng. Pampa happy lang. And with all the signs... basta.  I don't know, with Des, the answer is quick and a surprise. ;p

So yes, I'm guilt-free.

Perfect day.

*__*

Mistaken #1: My best friend is hiding something from her aunt. She just met up with somebody that her aunt forbade her to see. Then the next thing I knew, she said we couldn't go eat dinner outside because her aunt might saw us. Note: I'M NOT HIM.

Mistaken #2: My mother was afraid that school organizations would do me harm because of what happened to my brother who extended another year in college, and he was involved with school organizations. I gave it up. But hey. I'm not him.

People do learn from mistakes. The only trouble is that instead of the lesson letting them grow, it hinders them, and other people. Maybe it's the guilt not really a lesson. Maybe it's the trauma and the hurt, not the lesson that stuck.

Too bad for me.

I tell myself to try and understand. I tell myself to be patient. To really be patient, understanding and therefore forgiving. After all, I might have been committing the same mistakes without noticing it.

But with all these, I also try to learn from THEIR mistakes. I don't ever want to do the same thing that they do to somebody else. As I have experienced for myself, it never is a good feeling. No, it never is.

Somebody made the mistake. It doesn't mean that I'll do it, too. So I hope they'll give me that chance NOT to be placed in a box of what-ifs, or predictable outcomes.

Only thing I can do perhaps, is well, not to put others,too, in a box. To give them a chance to be different, or better, to be them, or even to commit the same thing that you were avoiding. In my opinion, it wouldn't help if I deprive them of committing the mistake. Maybe on some instances, yes. But experiences, mistakes, risks, for me, the lesson they leave us gives us a more lasting impression on us, thus making us grow.

So someday...

Yeah, someday.

Someday, I'm gonna stop soaking it all up. Next time, I'll learn to say " I'm not them. Don't do this to me. Give me this chance. Let me learn." Or maybe more rudely, "Hey! Stop being a wuss!" Hahaha. Nah. Point here is, it's tiring to be stuck on this train. And sooner or later, I'm going to get off it, and I won't let anybody go through where I've been, if I can.

Not a good feeling. No, never has been, anyway.

My anxiety is at its peak right now. With me coping by procrastinating in facebook and even blogging here. Hehe. Need an outlet. Hoo. Inhale. Exhale.

DDDeeeeepppp Breeeeeathing.

Prayer. Prayer. Prayer. I think I need to do that more than worrying.

God help me.

=)

Promises. Promises. Promises.

Either from people or from organizations, this time,-I'm talking about what I thought was my reputable review center- you shouldn't get you're hopes that much. Because sometimes, they just fail to follow through with it. You put your entire trust into it, and then, "POOF!", it doesn't even come close to what has been offered and promised.

Hayy.

What's better?

To hope that it will push through, and then just be disappointed when it doesn't, or to just stop keeping your hopes up just to stop being disappointed altogether??

Hmm. For an eternal optimist like me, I think I'm still going for the first even if it's too draining sometimes. Option two is out for me.  I don't know how to live that way.

Sigh.

I hope I still have a future. I bet I still would have a future. I just don't know if its going to be as bright as I expect it to be. Hmm. Maybe I can make it brighter. ^^. Here goes Miss Eternal Optimist again. Haha.

There's plenty of cathartic energy unreleased. I need an outlet. Hmm. Writing about it is writing it, etching the anger even deeper, so I wouldn't write about it. Maybe I'll count backwards again until Monday comes and that means confrontation time. Woohoo.

Haha.

Trust, not only mine has been broken. And I cannot afford not to trust them especially since, whether I admit it or not, they're in this fight to pass the board with me and my friends.

No turning back, I guess.

No turning away.

Just moving forward.

And hoping, still hoping for the best possibilities.

em

Saying goodbye makes you wait for hellos.

The thought of saying hello once more to you makes the goodbye bearable.

Last Sunday was the funeral of my dear Mommy Lita. She is my mother's aunt, making her one of my many grandmothers. It was a bittersweet day. In a way, the goodbye was made with a smile, for finally, she was free of the sufferings of this world and is now together with Him. But still, there's the pang that you feel when you realize that tomorrow when you wake up, you can no longer see her sweet reassuring smile or her beaming eyes. I went to Daddy Mar today. He called for me to check on his blood pressure. Hayy. I guess it's safe to say that it might be one of the silent pleas of Daddy that he misses his daily companion... His wife who stood by him against literally all odds.

Theirs is a sweet love story, after all. Good Girl meets Bad Boy. Bad Boy turns to Good Boy with Good Girl by his side.

^_^

I hope he gets to wait for the time of saying hello once more to Mommy. I hope he bears the waiting with joy and patience. And I hope when that day comes, sooner or later, I hope he'll see that same smile that is of Mommy's. And there they'll get to enjoy unending afternoons of sitting together and just enjoy each other's company.

Cancer took you away from us a bit earlier. Hayy. Mommy Lita, you never did deserve the pain that you have undergone. And I know, that it was never meant as a punishment for you are one of the kindest souls I have known. Perhaps it was a test for all of us, for your family and the bigger family that we share. Perhaps, it's for us to appreciate the presence of each and everyone more. Perhaps its for us to be grateful for every day that we get to spend with family and dear friends. We never were that close. But you always welcomed us with the cheeriest smile whenever we drop by. Well, guess what? Even silly me misses you. But I know you're happy there to sip a bit of Coke and a bite of your favorite snack. Just look over us with your kind eyes. And especially your children. And especially Daddy... Until you say hello once more.

^__^

The Invitation

by Oriahe Mountain Dreamer

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living.  I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are.  I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring the moon.  I want to know if you have touched the center of your sorrow, have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed for fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.  I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, or to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself, if you can bear accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul.

I want to know if you can be faithful and therefore be trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it is not pretty everyday, and if you can source your life from it's presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of a lake and shout to the silver of the full moon...YES!

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have.  I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done for the children.

It doesn't interest me who you are or how you came to be here.  I want to know if you can stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me what or where or with whom you have studied.  I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in empty moments.

http://www.westhartfordcounselingcenter.com/invitation.htm

I just finished watching the 99th episode of Grey's Anatomy! Aww... I just want happy endings for all of them Meredith and Derek are about to have theirs. I'm excited for the 100th episode! Yey!

But I also want Alex and Izzie's, and Cristina and Owen's! Cristina and Owen's are the most bittersweet right now. I know that Izzie has cancer which makes Alex really afraid of losing her. But with Cristina and Owen... they're both present. But they just can't be with each other right now... All Owen can say are three-word sentences like "Take care now," or "Nice work today..." when all he wants to say is the three-word sentence that is most abused. Hayy.

Bittersweetest. Love Cristina and Owen!

I just found out that I still lack one major operation case to complete the five that PRC requires. I'm worried because I really don't know where I'll get it. But Dee mentioned that the Dean seems to finding a way to help those like me.

Aside from that, worries are plaguing me. Worries that I think would not have come if I am on a routine that keeps me busy, that assures me that I have a road to take and a destination to arrive at. Sigh. I confided to Dee last night that I feel utterly useless.

Partly, I know it's my fault. I could do something. But right now, the old fears are resurfacing as if they were not conquered in the past. I hope I'll have the courage to fight them off again. More so, I hope I won't let them come back again.

"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength..." I guess that what it takes, even if it faith the size of a mustard.

All shall be well. With Him.