Bittersweet

Note: I wrote this piece maybe, summer of 2008, between March and April. Between during and after affiliations.,. hmmm.,. just feeling too lonely when i wrote it. I happen to chance upon it again in my diary, and i decided to post it here. after all, besidesthe fact that i liked its emo tone, i also loved it because it lets me see another side of myself. and it is a rminder of a piece of me that is... unforgettable. Hmm.,. :p _eM 

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Why do I keep thinking of you when I know it’s never gonna be us?

Why do I keep thinking of being with you when that is just so can never be?

Why can’t I keep my heart from breaking because of you…?

I thought I was already through torturing myself with thoughts of you.

But I just can’t deny that I’m terribly missing you.

What was that that we had shared?

But… did we really even share anything at all?

I can’t help but wonder if somehow I happen to cross your mind, too…

But who am I to be missed by you…?!

I’m just…

It’s hard to hope that you think of me in ways I think about you.

And even though I know that that’s possible, I cannot ignore, too, the truth that you’re more apt to forget me than to remember me at all.

Damn, I miss you.

I’m damned… because I pray that you miss me, too.

I told myself that I am awake. I am, really. But it’s hard to stay awake when those dreams are just passing you by in the corridor.

Only me knows of this struggle that I have.

Maybe some friends who are good in putting puzzles together has some clues on what’s going on with me.

But it is only me who knows how heavy whatever it is I am carrying right now.

And with that, the fact that only me therefore can do something about it.

To let it go. Or to let it grip me forever.

But still, reality bites.

That it’s hard to greet him after what you think happened.

It’s hard to act as if there’s nothing.

Haaay…

But for all it’s worth. I want to get over it. And ironically. Act as if nothing happened.

Even if it seems too far away and impossible. I want to do it.

I owe it to myself.

To be whole and be healed. And be the best me that I can ever be.

I am afraid of my true self.

But I am willing to let it lead me to where I should really be… back to me.

em

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"Each friend represents
a world in us,
a world possibly
not born
until they arrive,"
-Anais Nin


"Friends are
the family
we choose
for ourselves,"
-Edna Buchanan

it's difficult to feel sorry for something that is not your fault.
it's difficult to feel something that just shouldn't be there.
it's difficult to admit that you felt it even when you shouldn't have.
it's difficult to say sorry because you know it's just not your fault.
it's difficult to trust fate with your life.
it's difficult to feel so damned and realize that there really is nothing you can do about it.
but to die. and to die again.
to sink into that ever deep pit of Pluto.
even more difficult, is when you find yourself wanting to rise up once more.
fight one more time.
but damn. is it even worth a damn.
i want to go to hell.
send me to hell and back!
i need to be burned.
i want to die.
i want to live.
i don't want to be damned.

Bakasyon means vacation. Hayy... unfortunately, being a Nursing student does not really give me a grande vacation, or at least semestral break. While other courses are already on the different hotspots (maybe in the couch, in the mall,fastfood chains, or maybe some other cool destinations), I still have my Research Defense on Monday, and still got to document the Community Development Project that we had in one of the adopted barangays of the school.
Yesterday, I just came home from an Immersion in Pacol. I spent the next hours just sleeping.

Phew.

I never really imagined when I entered this course, or USI for that matter, that vacationing would be so hard. Haha. I wish.

It's hard. But as Sir Joseph said, it's all up to you whether you see it as something called opportunity or something else called bad luck or obstacle. Sometimes, it's so hard to keep myself focused on the positive side of things, but it's all part of life, I guess. One moment you're up, the next you're down. But as the Chinese proverb says, "Fall seven times, stand up eight." what matters is you rise up each time you fall.

Tsk. And another one from Corrie Ten BooM, " There is no pit so deep that God's love is not deeper still."

So vacation or no vacation???

Doesn't matter. As long as I get my daily dose of sunshine. And perhaps, be a sunshine too in other people's lives.

Wow. I started talking about vacation, and I ended up going somewhere else.

Anyway. its what you call flight of ideas. Haha

Marianini

What experience or moment in your life have you learned the most from? 
Submitted by AngieK. 

I spent my high school in a  all-girls Catholic school. At first, I didn't want to thinking I would miss a lot of fun that there could be from a co-ed school where all my friends were going. But I never thought about what joys there would be from my own school. I never saw that for many years. But after about 2 years of thinking I am the most unfortunate girl to be in THAT school , it finally hit me how I have ignored the wonderful things around me.

the girls around me taught me a lot. They taught me to live not relying on boys, and never to think that we would need boys to be 'complete'. They taught me about friendship- it is letting yourself be the wind beneath their wings... it is being happy just to see them spread their colorful wings, and still go back to you, not just when they get a broken wing, but just to give you a hug for comfort, or just to sit and listen. they taught me to risk- and that never risking is the greatest hazard ever in life.

it's not just my classmates, but the teachers, too. They are never content just to lecture endlessly about theories, grammar and trigonometry. they would never sit to watch a student falling by. they'd be there for you. You never really have to ask them, because they always see through you. They are my ragpickers. But they know when to be the strictest... not for you to behave and fit through their molds, but for you to mold yourself into the best person you can ever be.

HIGH SCHOOL WAS THAT GOOD FOR ME. IT WILL ALWAYS BE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GEMS IN MY TREASURE CHEST OF MEMORIES.

And God, I miss it too much at the moment.